As the saying goes ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’, and there were most definitely some big things I didn’t know before having my first baby. I was fairly well informed (even after my midwife told me not to go reading lots of stuff or I’d get myself all confused – a story for another day!), I’d read a lot of books about having a baby, how to survive the fourth trimester. I’d read countless different methods of how to give birth, I felt prepared and ready for everything I thought I should know…
But of course there was a lot I didn’t know, here are the top 3 things I wish I’d known:
You’ve not failed if things didn’t go the way you hoped…
I put a lot of pressure on myself to do birth well (this should sound ridiculous because it absolutely is). I had set some bizarre goals for what I though was a well done birth. It was mostly natural, definitely not an epidural or caesarean birth. It was as if I believed that if I tried really hard I could prevent those things happening.
There was definitely a part of me that felt if I needed more help than the weird boundaries I’d put in place that I wouldn’t have done as well as I could, that I’d be embarrassed or not good enough. I mean what would I tell people?!!
In case you have been in a similar place as I was let me tell you again, you have not failed if things didn’t go the way you hoped / decided / wanted etc. There are things that are out of your control and no matter how well you prepared it doesn’t guarantee you a certain type of birth.
This feeling of failure definitely took me a while to get over, and I took it through to the fourth trimester, I didn’t do as well as I wanted at birth but damn it I was going to breastfeed no matter what. I definitely don’t recommend that attitude either.
This is a lot more common that you probably realise, I often work with parents who feel this way as a hypnotherapist, whether it’s birth or breastfeeding trauma related or those stand alone feelings of failure, I know from personal and professional experience that this can be a big deal.
It’s not weird not to love your baby right away…
This is one of the things I often tell parents to be, it’s absolutely not weird if you don’t love your baby the moment you meet them, or even the next few days or weeks.
You may have heard about the ‘rush of love everyone feels when their baby is born’ well in truth not everyone feels that way. It can be random, but I’ve heard more people mention not feeling it after a long or difficult labour (which remember definitely isn’t your fault!!). But it can also happen when you have a calm birth that goes rather like you’d hoped.
I remember my husband telling one of my babies he loved them a few days in and it was the weirdest thing I’ve every experienced. I thought how strange, he’s only just met them! Then of course I started over analysing my lack of feelings, and of course I should love my child, what was wrong with me?!
It turns out nothing at all, I had a challenging, long and exhausting labour, and I was recovering. I didn’t get that oxytocin surge when my baby was born, I was so stressed about recovering quickly and getting breastfeeding ‘right’ that I didn’t have the capacity or chemistry available to develop an instant relationship.
But it did come over the next few weeks, skin to skin, time to heal and time to get to know my baby made this possible. It’s not weird if this takes longer than you’ve been led to believe. You can care about and care for your wee one and not feel that instant rush of love, give yourself time. And it surprised me when I had a really healing second birth that it also took time, and that’s ok, it just takes me a wee while to get to know my babies, I haven’t ever had that oxytocin rush and that’s ok.
It can be really, really lonely…
This one is another big one, wow was it a lonely few years. With not much of a support network up here when I had my kids I was starting from scratch, thankfully I did meet some friends at pregnancy yoga. But the days were long that first time around in particular and the nights were even longer.
I remember going round to friends’ houses for coffee and never wanting to leave, feeling like life was so much easier with them there. Out of my house where I spent endless hours numb and alone, and onto someone else’s sofa with a cuppa and a lemon curd muffin, life felt a hell of a lot more hopeful there.
I think the loneliness is not something we talk about and so what happens is when we experience it we feel like we must be the only ones, when in reality it’s a common experience. Even when you have a supportive partner, even when you have a baby class scheduled for most of the week, or friends you can call, this is something I hear from hypnotherapy clients all the time, the feeling on loneliness and at times isolation.
I don’t have any magical solution other than to tell you if you feel this way you are definitely not alone. And that sharing how you feel with a friend or two will likely show you that you really are not alone in your loneliness.
Why am I sharing this?
This may seen like a less than positive post, but one of the hardest things in parenting is feeling like you’re alone, like you’re weird, or something is wrong with you. When in reality there’s a whole range of what’s ‘normal’ in terms of how you feel and what you experience. Having friends and family around can be helpful but sometimes you just need to talk to someone who gets it.
It wasn’t around when I was in the thick of it, but LATNEM (Let’s all Talk North East Mums) is a great resource if you’re struggling with any of the things I mentioned in this post or anything else at all, they have lots of meetings locally and online and if you’re nervous about going along you can send them a message first so you know who you’re going to meet when you attend. If you’d like to have a chat about hypnotherapy head to the contact page and get in touch.
What do you wish you’d known before having your first baby? (Tell us in the comments)