For my second baby I wanted that first breastfeeding experience to be the skin to skin after birth. I wanted my baby to be with me. I had my first 8 weeks early and so this wasn’t possible. I was trying to hand express and failing so having the midwife help effectively milk me and collect those tiny drops of liquid gold into a syringe. It was cold and clinical. I hadn’t even seen more of my daughter than the tiny pink hat they had put on her and her incubator as they whisked her away. It was weeks before I was attempting to breastfeed her and months before I could say it was established.
When my waters broke at 7 weeks early this time I wasn’t surprised but I was disappointed. I likely wasn’t going to get that skin to skin after birth. That fear was confirmed when I was having a section under a general for maternal sepsis. When I came around I was told I had another little girl and I was so happy and excited but still disappointed and obviously extremely anxious. I was overjoyed when they told me I could go and see her right away. I had my first with a spinal anaesthetic at midnight so didn’t get to see her till the next morning when it had worn off. This was the perk of a general nobody had told me about. When I got there I was told she was doing well despite her being in intensive care and needing oxygen. I got to have a hold and it was amazing but I was still so upset. This was my last pregnancy and I really wanted to heal the trauma and pain of the first and it ended up being worse. Then they asked me if I wanted to breastfeed and I reluctantly said… of course.
I had around 5 months of expressing and topping up on top of trying so hard to feed first time around. I remember thinking there is no way I could do that if I had another one to look after and I here I was about to start that all over again. But I had worked so hard at breastfeeding my first because it was important so I knew I would again.
They then asked me if I wanted to express right there beside her and I was amazed I was being given that option. It was a busy ward with many parents just like us around and no privacy. But that didn’t matter at all because I was being offered the chance to have my first breastfeeding experience with this baby while I could see her and feel her and touch her. It wasn’t the skin to skin I was praying for but it was so much better than being in recovery with a syringe. It was so full of hope and pride to counter the trauma and disappointment I still felt when I switched on the breast pump but I only had eyes for her. Just 3 days later i was woken in the ward and told she was wide awake and rooting and I jumped out of bed as fast as my section scar would allow.
I’m writing this three months later and breastfeeding has been so much easier this time around. I’m constantly amazed at how well it’s going and i know it’s because I was able to have her close to me when it all began.
Thanks to Emily for sharing her story with us, I hope if your wee one is early that this brings you hope.